Graduation

Well, it's official, I am a bona fide card carrying adult. Last week I graduated with a Music Management degree from The Hartt School and it felt pretty good. What didn't feel good was leaving college. It's the place where I was able to spend 4 years discovering who I am and making some incredible friends who were on the same journey.

Finals were not so stressful. I only had a few exams and a few papers and I ended up with straight A's for the first time in my entire life. Of course it would happen my last semester at school.

But now I'm home and doing my best to keep busy. It's already been better than when I was home over winter where I could not stop pulling out my hair. I've been trying to stay out of the house, but without a job that has been difficult. With my plans to move to philadelphia in the works, it's difficult to convince someone to hire me for only a few weeks. I'm used to coming home and immediately going back to work. But since I left TPC last summer and promised myself I would never, ever go back, I'm at a loss. I haven't had to job hunt in a long time!

So for now, I keep my hands busy filling out job applications and hoping whoever find them doesn't want to drug test me. Time to start enjoying the summer a little more.

Touring, a Theraputic Weekend of Awesome

As I may (or may not) have mentioned in my last post, I recently went on a weekend tour with my band HKPOE! (Hardcore Karaoke Pile-On Extravaganza). I had a busy week leading up to it and the whole cold turkey thing didn't really work out like I'd planned. Just another bump in the road, I suppose. I thought the weekend was going to be stressful and that I would be curled up in the van, under tons of equipment, pulling out my hair. As it turned out, everything - as flawed as it was - was amazing. So amazing, in fact, that I can't recall pulling a single hair from my head throughout the entire weekend.

The tour was Thursday-Sunday. We hit Brooklyn on Thursday night, where we played in a small venue in Bushwick to a small crowd of people, with our tour buddies Hey Stranger and Nix86. The van was pimped with a couch and a cooler full of beer, so we were pretty much set. We considered this our warm-up set for the rest of the weekend.

Thursday night I sardined myself in-between two of my bandmates on a futon in Crown Heights. I might have woken up once or twice with someone spooning me. It was easier just to let it happen and go back to sleep than it was to wake him up and make him move (Oh, Dancho). These things happen. If he hadn't been spooning me, he'd have been spooning Xian (which may have been just as exciting).

Friday was spent with a delicious breakfast/brunch at Tom's Restaurant in Brooklyn. EVERYONE SHOULD GO THERE AT LEAST ONCE IN THEIR LIVES. Like a pilgrimage. Best food, great service, amazing prices, cute place. It's very much a loved place in the community, and it now has a bunch of new fans!

We headed to the Bronx fairly early for our gig at FLC with Bronx Underground. Early enough to clean the van - there was a surprising amount of empty beer bottles/cans general trash considering we had only been in it for a day. We did our daily booze run, made it back and began drinking. At the request of the promoter, we quit with the alcohol around 6 (lawyers were there!) and prepared for the set.

We played to several hundred kids (it was a hardcore show with Knuckle Up) after Nix86 KILLED it that night. We had an awesome time and are very excited to be invited back to play again. We had to turn down an encore, but we were honored to have one. After sticking around to meet-and-greet with fans and other bands (and after 3 kids were knocked out cold), we headed to Long Island. We had booked a few rooms to sleep in (how pampered are we) at a motel, but there was a discrepancy and we basically told them to go fuck themselves and took our business elsewhere.

We ended up in the roomiest Days Inn in Hicksville. So much floor space!!! We were very impressed. 3 in each bed, 3 on the floor and 1 on a cot = 9 happy campers... especially after showers were acquired.

We spent a lot of Saturday walking around Garden City and almost getting kicked out of Guitar Center (see twitter.com/thechubreport for tour/dick-related nonsense). We ate at a clutch Kosher Deli and bought booze before heading to the Humanist Society. There was another misunderstanding with the promoter that still needs to be smoothed out, but overall we all had a great time. We played with BTMI, Hey Stranger and Nix86. Our set was killer, kids loved it, we loved them.

We headed back to CT that night, but I was unable to make the Sunday gig due to my roommate's Senior Recital that I was playing in. I hear I was missed and the show was amazing anyway.

I've found myself missing everything about that fucking van this week. I had an amazing weekend and can't believe how awesome it turned out to be. Wahoo!

Hair Did

So Alyssa and I got our hair cut/colored at a student salon in Philly about 2 weeks ago. I almost never go to the salon because I don't like explaining why there are spots that are so thin - or empty. But something needed to be done about the big orange mess I called my hair. It was time to chop some off. Not a lot, but seriously... it was out of control.

So the two students assigned to me took almost 2 hours to get the dye in - I picked a nice coppery red. They had to use two different developers because my roots were so long and were a much different color than the dyed hair. I'd decided the night before that I was going to make a massive decision that would change my life forever: BANGS.

That's right, you read correctly. Bangs.

Bangs are kind of a big deal to me. The first time I ever pulled out my hair, way back in the third grade, I pulled out my bangs. and since then I've done away with them. Sworn them off. But who was I kidding? I needed bangs. Getting them, however, meant that the hat was going to be out for a long time. Maybe even for good. I couldn't hide under it forever anyway, so I might as well get it over with, right?

The students washed away the dye, revealing a weirdly toned coppery tone at the top of my head and a darker red/purple color for the rest. As weird as it might sound, I LOVE IT. Sure, it was an accident for them, but hey - what do I care? It's just hair Then it came time to have my hair cut.

I went with a layered style and side-bangs. And when a third student began separating my hair, she didn't question why it was so thin in the back. She picked up a big chunk and said, "Look, it looks like you have a lot of breakage," and pointed her scissors at the thin spot in the centre. I looked right back at her in the mirror and said, "Yeah, that happens alot," and didn't say another word about it.

I was pretty much terrified the entire time because I thought someone was going to question me, because that's what usually happens. Usually it's, "did you know you have a big bald spot back here?" or "Hey, what happened to your hair over here?" from the stylist. And I know they're not trying to be mean, they're honestly just curious and interested because hair is their entire business. But I always feel so attacked and so offended. This time was quick, though, with no explanation needed. I just agreed with something I knew wasn't true.

Anyway, getting in and out of the salon was a 4-hour process and it ended up being awesome. My hair... not to toot my own horn or anything... looks fabulous and I've been hat-less for two whole weeks. That's a big deal to me!

But with good things also come a few bad things. I've been unable to resist the urge to pull the short, newly-grown hair at the top of my head. And without a hat, it's even more tempting. I'm going to make another attempt a cold turkey, even if it's just for a week.

I'm going on tour next week with HKPOE! for our Zombie Apocalypse Survival Weekend, with Hey Stranger and Nix 86. It's going to be a whole lot of fun, but I am NOT looking forward to being stuck in that damn van with all those boys. Or those two other girls that I don't really know that well. Thank goodness that I will be able to sit in the back with my fab new keytar under my fingers, and Lady Gaga in my headphones.

Looking forward to it. Love you all.

Pointers

Okay, so it's been a tough few months. As I type, sitting at my desk in my apartment in Hartford, I have hit a huge wall in my trichotillomania recovery. In order to better understand why, here's a quick recap of life since I left for STX:

STX: was absolutely amazing. Every single second of it. I wish we could've stayed longer, but the real world has to come back into play eventually. We can't spend every day in paradise, can we? While in STX, I did a lot of hair pulling as I would sit in bed and read at night. I was okay with it. I didn't let it bother me. I told myself over and over that there is nothing to be stressed about and that I needed to calm down. We made it home alive on new years day, after spending an ungodly amount of time in the San Juan airport.

Winter Break: was just terrible. Aside from STX, I barely did anything, which gave me plenty of time to sit, eat and pull. Oh, and pull I did. I was disgusted with myself the entire time but I couldn't find a way to stop.

Spring '10: The semester started off crazy - of course it did. And I began my attempts to stop pulling once again, after a successful few weeks at the end of last semester (yes, I may have relapsed but I still consider those few weeks where I didn't touch a hair on my head to be successful!)

Two weeks ago my sister's dog and I had a misunderstanding and he attacked me, sending me to the hospital with 11 puncture wounds to my right arm and hand (7 in my hand!). So that put me in a fun place because I was totally unable to use my right arm for a few days, and I still don't have all of my dexterity back. There are a lot of things I still can't do because of the wounds, but I'm healing pretty quickly.

Unfortunately, I don't have an excuse as to why what happened has happened. At the end of last semester I was proud of my progress but now I am facing a terrible empty spot on the back of my head. I can't even see it in the mirror! But when I do, I know it's bad news. I honestly don't know how it came to this again. I thought I was going to be done hiding all this!

SO.

Now I'm starting back up with my no-pull policy. I have to keep myself busy somehow. If you've got suggestions or pointers, leave a comment! I want this blog to be able to help everyone - not just me.

Hi there. I am not gone forever. It's a long story as to why I haven't been here, though. I promise I'll get back to this.

Holiday

Being at home hasn't been so bad. I've been keeping myself pretty busy getting ready for this trip that I'm about to leave for. Flight leaves at 11:59 pm tonite. Land in Puerto Rico around 4 and then in St Croix at 7 45. I will be with one of my best friends and her family, who lives on the island. We should be beachside by noon tomorrow. I am going to try my very hardest not to pull on the plane, in the airport, or on the island. With any luck, I will be back on the second with lots of wonderful pictures and goodies for everyone.

Happy holidays!

Snow

Finals are officially over, grades are being posted, residents are leaving for the winter break, and here I am about to be snowbound in Hartford. I've been pulling a lot this week. I'm going to try and hold off for the next few days the best I can. I go home for break tomorrow, potentially, and I leave for St. Croix on Thursday.

Being at home is going to be tough. I will only be there for a few days and after I get back from STX, I will be babysitting my niece for my sister at their new place. I'm excited to see what it looks like.

New England

After one last really warm night (70 degrees, whaaat?) last week, Connecticut is starting to settle into the cold. It won't be above freezing tomorrow and the wind chill suggests it won't feel any more than about 14. Awesome.

I've been really bad this week. This week marks the last week of classes for the semester. I was finished with classes on Wednesday and I'll be done with finals Tuesday afternoon. I am in Hartford until the 20th. I was really, really stressed about my internship paper last weekend and through Tuesday. Instead of focusing on the words, I could only think about, you know, everything else. I would like that week back where I didn't pull. Not one hair. I want that back. This week was the opposite of that week.

Whack.

I've been trying not to wear my hat, but it's hard because it's starting to get so cold. But that hat is my safety net. It stops everyone from knowing what the top of my head looks like. And the top of my head doesn't look so pretty right now.

Last night I got really sick from the undercooked food at the school cafeteria. I slept for 14 hours. It was incredible. It's the most I've slept in months. Tomorrow I have to speak at a conference for High School students, about AP style and copy editing. I know that's what they're really going to want to listen to at 9am.
/sarcasm

I'm not sure if I'm looking forward to going home. I'll only be there for a few days before I head out again. A week in St. Croix will do me a lot of good. I'll be virtually unreachable to everyone and sitting in the sun with one of my best friends and a drink. What could be better?

Delay.

I has been a seriously interesting week. I didn't mean to neglect updates but it just kind of happened. Last weekend in Atlantic City was out of control. Just know that it was filled with booze, gambling and prostitutes (no, we didn't purchase any escorts for the evening, but we sure saw them and even chatted it up with a few! Nice ladies, for sure.)

This past week has been awful awful awful in several respects. Monday morning I was still feeling pretty tired from the weekend. I thought maybe that's all it was. For whatever reason, I found myself digging through my hair and regressing right back to how i was at home. That lasted until this morning. I'm still not feeling well. I feel the worst today, in fact.

In good news... I lost 10 pounds! No, I didn't really need to do that and I also didn't try to do that.. it just kind of happened. I usually gain weight at school... which I did. But then I lost it all and then some. So I'm feeling really great about that.

I'm still trying to identify triggers and I'm still coming up fairly empty handed. I am not looking forward to being at home for winter break, which begins in 2 weeks. I am looking forward to xmas and new years in St. Croix with one of my best friends, though.

I'll keep it brief today and make a nice juicy entry tomorrow.

Foodsgiving

I hope everyone enjoyed their Thanksgiving here in the U.S.! For everyone else? I hope you enjoyed your Thursday! It's early Friday morning here and I can't sleep (not that I'm usually asleep at this point, it's still early!) I'm going to Atlantic City later on to celebrate my best friend's 21st birthday with 3 more of our closest friends. How much of a cheeseball am I right now? Although, I'm also in the process of reconnecting with an old friend who I've missed over the past few years, and listening to Eva Cassidy.

Okay, yes, cheeseball central.

Anywho.

I've definitely decided that something here is a big, big trigger. At school, I went almost a whole week without so much as tugging a strand on my head. As soon as I got home, it was almost a frenzy. I'm still not sure why. All I'm doing is laying in bed, hanging out with my cat (don't judge me) and watching television.

But this is a place that I found myself pulling day after day back when I actually lived here. I only recently cleaned up the mess I made several years ago. In high school, my bedroom was the only place I could go where I could shut my door and not be bothered. I would cry in here, laugh, be on the phone for hours and hours... this was pretty much all I had.

You know, aside from my family and friends and all those things I own.

You get what I'm saying here, though. My bedroom was the place I went to get away from everything else. And it was the place I came to pull out my hair because I knew nobody could see me here. So maybe that's it. And if that's the case, I'm glad I will be gone for half of winter break, and will be moving out in July.

Enjoy your weekend, loves! I may not be back until Sunday.